fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
