i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
