$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
