he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
is that a dick in a sweater?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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