So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
