the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
