im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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