you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
