I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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