Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
