shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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