having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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