Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
