Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
