You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
