Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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