So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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