You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
