And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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