I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
