god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I think my moral compass just broke
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
