my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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