there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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