He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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