An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
