So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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