gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just gargled with NyQuil
Randomize
