Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
