I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
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