it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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