He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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