I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
