Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize