I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
i think i just lost a toe
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Randomize
