If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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