You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
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