Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
