i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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