I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
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