Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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