i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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