Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
