u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
