one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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