i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
