I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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