the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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