I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
