just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
