I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
