I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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