i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
that may or may not have been my penis.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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